How to Enjoy Detroit, in Just 3 Easy Steps! - Saturday, August 25, 2012

Editor's Note:  There's still time!  Send us your best question(s) by email or Facebook by  Saturday, September 8.  The person who submits the single best question will win a precious bottle of Oklahoma Joe's original barbecue sauce.  Determination of "single best question" shall be arbitrary but accurate.  While supplies last.  No purchase necessary.  Calls may be monitored for quality assurance.

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Detroit is rarely considered a vacation spot.  A recent poll found that it was the most unpopular city in the country: Americans hold a more negative view of Detroit than any other city.  Maybe that's because it's been called America's most dangerous city, America's most miserable city, and the third worst city to live in America.

But we liked Detroit -- and you can, too.  Here's how to enjoy Detroit, in just three easy steps!  


Step #1 - Get to Detroit at the last possible moment.

On Saturday, we woke up late.  No problem.  My bed was a lot safer than the mean streets of Michigan.  

The drive from Chicago to Detroit is about five hours.  We planned to stop in Kalamazoo.  It's roughly the halfway point, it has a few decent restaurants, and it has a funny name.  That's pretty much the triple crown for a layover city.  

But then we started seeing signs for The Chocolate Garden.   Billboards said it was the best chocolate in America.  Why would billboards lie?  We exited the highway in Coloma, Michigan and followed the signs for chocolate.

The Chocolate Garden is a boutique with fancy truffles.  The Food Network and the Travel Channel have recognized the Chocolate Garden as among the best chocolatiers in the world.  I know this because there are many, many signs in the store that say so.  The store itself is long on chocolate and short on garden, though I suppose that's better than the alternative.  

The chocolate is pricy.  A nine-ounce box of assorted chocolates will set you back $27.  That makes each truffle roughly the cost of a Double Double at In N Out.  But there are no In N Outs in Michigan, so we tried the truffle sampler: nibbles of three truffles for $2.50.  They were great:

Artist Ari Bernstein captured a lot in this photograph.  He focused on me and our truffle samples.    On the right are the keys to the powerful Ford Focus.  On the left is the truffle menu.  In the foreground, you see a giant pencil, which only made our truffles seem smaller.  

The most disappointing part of the Chocolate Garden was the staff.  "What makes the chocolate here so much better than other chocolate?  What do you do differently?" I asked one woman behind the counter.  "Um, I don't really know.  I've only been working here a few months."  A few months actually seems like a long time to work in a chocolate store and not know what makes the chocolate special.  [Ari's Note: What the hell else have they been talking about?]  Ari asked another woman which of the three drinking chocolates was her favorite.  "I really can't say," she said.  "I'm not a chocolate person."  Look: If you are trying to sell a box of chocolates that requires a mortgage, then you better be a chocolate person.  Ari pointed to an award from the Travel Channel that hung on the wall.  "When did you guys win the Travel Channel Award?"  The woman said it was 12 years ago.  "That's not a good fact for them," Ari said. "If she was going to bust out the 'I've only been here a few months' card, that would have been the time."

After leaving the Garden, we could have immediately resumed our drive.  But that would have gotten us to Detroit sooner and Ari said he wasn't interested in being struck by stray gunfire.  So we walked down a country road from the Chocolate Garden to the Jollay Orchards.  We'd seen signs for cider and pie, and we wanted to explore.

"I can't believe you're out of Red Hot Cinnamon,"
Ari told them.  "That's the only reason we came."

Jollay Orchards was great.  They have a cider tasting bar with dozens of flavors -- everything from cantaloupe cider to egg nog cider to peanut butter cider.  Ari tried close to half.  I asked Erica, the outstanding cider bartender, to give me some tastes without telling me what they were; I wanted to see if I could identify the flavors blind.  The first one tasted exactly like blueberry.  "It's blueberry," I said.  "It's mango," Erica said.  "I disagree," I said.  Was Erica mistaken?  Was she lying?  What was her motive?  I don't have all the answers, but I do know that was blueberry cider.  

Toasting to my correct identification of blueberry cider [Ari's Note: I don't think that was the case]

Ari bought a pint of ginger cider and we got back on the road.    Obviously, fractions of a truffle and a few sips of apple juice weren't going to satisfy our hunger, so we instantly began debating late lunch options.  We settled on Krazy Jim's Blimpie Burger, the famous burger grill in Ann Arbor.  It's cheap.  Ari had been there and thought it was delicious.  And it's not in Detroit.  

Once we decided on Blimpie Burger, we operated with the efficiency of a Mission:Impossible strike force.  We were behind on time, but we had a plan.  I drove.  Ari called in the order while giving me directions.  I hopped out of the car, sprinted inside the shop, and rescued the burgers.  While I was inside, Ari climbed from the passenger seat all the way to the driver's seat (Ari is better at executing the steer-and-eat).  We sped out of the parking lot and the burgers were eliminated before we got on the freeway.  The mission was a success.  

Step #2 - Go to Slow's BBQ, the Tigers game, and nowhere else.

Adam Richman, famous for his Man v. Food show, recently hosted Best Sandwich in America.  He tried dozens of elite sandwiches across every region in the country.  He ranked the Yardbird at Slow's BBQ as third best sandwich in the United States.  Slow's is in Detroit.  We placed our to-go order, snagged the food, and headed straight to the game.

For the first time all trip, we arrived without tickets for the game.  The StubHub options were limited and expensive, and we trusted our negotiation skills.  We parked the car a mile from the park and were immediately met by ticket scalpers.  The first guy wanted $80 for the worst seats in the park.  "These are the worst seats in the park," Ari told him.  The guy negotiated with himself for a while but wouldn't go below $60.  The next guy had great seats but wanted $120.  "Absolutely not," Ari said.  We kept walking.

We stood 20 feet from the stadium entrance when we finally heard an offer we liked: $90 for tickets on field level seats right next to first base.  It was more than we wanted to spend.  But the seats were fantastic.  We offered him $60 and ultimately agreed to $65.

The seats were worth it.  

In an effort to reduce crime in Detroit, the city brought in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

We liked Comerica Park.  It's bright and upbeat.  The outfield is gorgeous.  The design is simple.  It didn't hurt that the Saturday crowd was raucous.  The Tigers recovered from a 3-0 hole with two runs in the 6th and three more in the 8th.  We saw six doubles and a homer.  We saw Prince Fielder, one of baseball's roundest players, thrown out at third.  We saw Angels rookie superstar Mike Trout flash his prodigious speed while racing to avoid a double play.  It might have been the best game experience of the trip.

Of course, the highlight of the game was the food.  Nearby fans saw us unwrapping our three sandwiches.  "Where did you get those?" a woman asked.  We told her they were from Slow's Barbecue.  "Slow's is great.  I didn't know they were at the stadium," she said.  "They're not," Ari grinned.  Our neighbors' jealously made the food taste even better.  

Slow's was outstanding.  Remember the Yardbird, supposedly the third best sandwich in America?  It's excellent.  But it's not even the best sandwich at Slow's.

This is The Yardbird.  "Pulled smoked Amish chicken breast drenched in mustard sauce, tossed with sauteed mushrooms and cheddar and topped with applewood bacon."  We added some of Slow's apple bbq sauce, some of the best bbq sauce we tried.  At most places, it would be number one.  At Slow's, it got the bronze medal.

The silver medal went to The Reason.  "Pork butt, smoked slow and pulled, bathed in sauce and topped with our signature coleslaw and dill pickle strips."  The smoky pork, the tangy coleslaw, and the crunchy pickle made this sandwich a Hall-of-Famer.

If the pulled pork sandwich above qualified for the Sandwich Hall of Fame, how could it receive only the silver medal?  Because of my new friend, The Longhorn.  "Beef brisket sliced thin with our special onion marmalade, smoked gouda and spicy sauce."  Hubba hubba.  [Ari's Note: This is not the first time Justin referred to a brisket sandwich as his friend.  He had similar feelings toward the Z-Man sandwich at Oklahoma Joe's BBQ.]

Step #3 - Leave Detroit immediately.

A fireworks show began right after the game.  

We took that photo while moving toward the exit.  We found our car before the fireworks ended, and we were on the freeway heading to Cleveland before postgame traffic had assembled.  We did Detroit as well as it can be done: four hours, three sandwiches, and no casualties.